Choose your (Around the World) Weapon

You’ve made the decision to cut the cord for a year and are ready to circumnavigate the globe at ground level. You’re handed the keys to two vehicles: A kitted out Unimog RV offering all of the comforts of home and a well broken-in, purpose-hardened BMW GS. What do you do?

The debate amongst overland adventurers as to the vehicle best suited to the task of crunching kilometres across every conceivable terrain has raged for years. The chosen tool for the task has cut across the vehicular spectrum ranging from the sublime to the absurd. A Tuk-Tuk, a bicycle, a Suzuki Hayabusa, a London Taxi, a Vespa scooter and a cracked out minvan, to name but a few, have survived to tell the tale.

No judgment can be passed on any of them because each has carved out its own little niche of utility and character. But I think the essence of the debate really comes down to a simple question: two wheels or four? Well, let me count the ways of how the debate leads to a simple result. The answer is two.

 

1. It’s (relatively) portable – I was on my 3^rd straight day at Istanbul airport being led through the catacombs of the dark, dank cargo building by my paid fixer as we worked desperately to get my Triumph Tiger I’d ridden from Los Angeles onto a plane to Kuala Lumpur. When the final bribe had been paid and the last document stamped, all that remained was to get it into the ramp-less building. The diabolical solution was a long, 2” x 10” plank spanning from street level up 1.5 meters to the loading dock. Naturally, riding the 450lb bike up a narrow, flimsy stick of wood was quite terrifying but the angry cargo workers told me to do it or the bike stays in Istanbul. Trousers soiled, the bike was up the ramp and loaded into a container for the Turkish Airlines flight. Try that with a car.
   

   Uncrating the GS at Kathmandu Airport

2. It’s cheap (or can be) – Sure, you can spend USD30k on a kitted out BMW R1250 Adventure and you can spend $500 on an old VW microbus. But odds are the bike you choose will be cheaper to buy, maintain, import, export and fill with fuel. A better return on your adventure investment 9 times out of 10.
3. It’s quite easy to fix – Again here, depending on the machine you select, the difficulty of repair can be comparable. But even with a bike and a car from a similar technological era, the bike wins here simply because there are fewer things to break. Fewer wheel bearings, simpler drive train, fewer suspension components, simpler cooling & lubrication system and two fewer tires to puncture.
   

   Servicing in Shiraz, Iran

4. It provides the exhilaration of risk – There’s no way to mask the reality that motorcyclists are cut from a different cloth. One of the reasons we gravitate toward bikes is the lack of protection and exposure to the elements. The risk of dying is part of what makes us feel alive.
   

   Riding my Bullet in the Thar Desert

5. It connects you with your environment – One of my saddest experiences riding a motorcycle in India was while cruising through the stunning scenery in the Thar Desert on a searingly heat hot day. Surrounded by the beautiful chaos of a swarm of camels and goats at a railway crossing, I peered up into the windows of the bus jostling next to me and saw the faces of plump tourists in their air-conditioned capsule. Sure, they were comfortable, but that’s not the point. I was on my bike as part of the scene. In their tour bus surrounded by a sound and heat-proof buffer of steel and glass, they were merely spectators. The moral here: If you want to experience our world, bust out of your cocoon.
6. It’s agile – Riding my GS one fine day on a dirt track along the Mekong River in Cambodia, I encountered an obstacle. A tributary feeding into the river necessitated negotiating a steep decline, crossing the stream and then scrambling up an incline of similar gradient. The only way out of that ravine was manpower: a half dozen villagers pushing me up the slippery slope spitting off mud from the rear tire like an angry gatling gun. No number of villagers could have managed to push a 2,000kg SUV out of that ditch. Advantage bike.
7. It feels so good – Yes, the grin factor. Do you remember the first time you rode a motorcycle? The first time you did a long road-trip? Your first wheelie? The first time you launched a dirt bike through the air or got your knee down on a racetrack? We ride because it feels good, because it makes us feel free. And no amount top-down driving in a Ford Mustang will ever touch that. As a wise woman once said, four wheels move the body, two wheels move the soul.
8. It connects you with people – In the developing world, ‘two-wheelers’ vastly outnumber cars on the road when you’re outside of cities. Local people you meet while riding down country lanes or when you take breaks in villages will more than likely be motorbike riders and as a result, be naturally curious about the foreigners exploring their part of the world. This is where the magic happens. It’s where the bike creates the connection between you and the people you meet as you explore. And isn’t this why we came in the first place?
   

   Making friends in Rajasthan

Colour me biased; I don’t care. After riding motorcycles through 40 countries and being blockaded by Maoist insurgents at the Nepali border, tracked by the religious police in Iran, escorted by the Pakistani military, lashed by a hurricane in Florida and enveloped in a blizzard in the mountains of eastern Turkey, I’ll surrender my right to comfort, protection and anonymity any day. Give me the bike.

Two Wheeled Expeditions offers adventures through Nepal, India and Sri Lanka.

‘Chai’ or tea stops are an integral part of any motorcycle ride across India. However remote the route there’s usually someone who has put their bet on opening a shack for the wandering adventurers out there.

In the Himalayan circuit, often the epic ride up to Khardungla Pass in Ladakh can be overwhelming for first timers. You’re high on adrenaline and thin on air as you go from 3500 to 5359 meters. By the time you’ve clicked that mandatory photo in front of the signboard the weather can go from sunny to a snowstorm.

As one descends to North Pullu check post, all you want is that hot cup of chai. And the Ladakhi lady I call “Didi” or elder sister is usually ready to hand me that sweet concoction after scolding me with, “where were you all this time?” I am not sure if this is her business tactic but it ensures I drink at least two cups.

Then there is Mr Dharmalingam in South India who has set up his stall on the border of Kerala and Tamil Nadu. In his heyday he was a mechanic who raced motorcycles. I am not sure exactly what happened that caused him to leave the city and live in the high ranges. One thing he does say is that running his teashop has enabled him to live a more fulfilled life.

All teashops are not alike. They are less a franchise and more a way of life, especially in rural parts of India. This is the social hub where you gossip, share & gather news, sell local produce and make ends meet with dignity. It doesn’t matter whether you are in snowy Ladakh or scorching Rajasthan – chai is always in demand.

As I found out, in spite of the sweltering humidity in northeast India’s state of Assam, I couldn’t help myself from trying out a delicious cup of you-know-what made over wood fire by another “Didi”. Thankfully she didn’t scold me even once. She couldn’t: her mouth was full of paan, a betel leaf and areca nut combo that’s popular in these parts, besides…chai, of course!

I could go on but let me end with another hot spot I like to frequent on my motorcycle trips. The western most corner of India is scarcely populated but wherever you find a small settlement, you’re sure to find a teashop. The marked difference between chai served here and rest of India is the size of the cup. They’re more like a bottle cap, which means you have to drink at least 6 cups.

Ok, that’s it folks. If you have absolutely no idea of what I’ve been on about, you can check out Roro’s how to make masala chai video. Or better still, ride across India and taste its goodness served in a cup anywhere and everywhere. And if know of a must-visit chai shop anywhere in India then please comment below and lets keep that chai love overflowing!

If you don’t know Kerala, it’s a thin slice of coastal and mountain landscape running along the southwestern coast of India. It is buffeted by the warm winds of the Arabian Sea to the west and sheltered by the Western Ghats mountain range to the east. It is considered one of the most tranquil parts of India where the heaving buzz of ‘horning’ traffic and all-consuming pollution in much of the rest of the country are pleasantly scarce. Above all, it is green. From the tea plantations of Munnar to the rich jungles of Ooty, the deeply verdant landscape puts your mind at ease.

The ride profile is sea – mountains – sea setting off from the old Portuguese colony of Fort Cochin then running south along to the coast to Alleppey and the downtempo serenity of the Backwaters. The route then heads northeast to the Western Ghats and the heart of tea country in Munnar. From there it gets wild with rides through the Anamalai Tiger Reserve, Avalanche Valley and Silent Valley National Park. Finally the route loops back south along the coast to Kannur Beach for a night before returning the Himalayan to the Uber driver I rented it from in Cochin. (Long story) One thousand curvaceous kilometers to take in the best of this beautiful corner of the subcontinent and all the coconut fish curry I can consume.

Now, to the curves and a philosophical question: why do we riders love them so much? Is it because they tend to exist in magical, mountainous landscapes of forest, jungle and desert? Is it because of the way we get into a beautiful rhythm with the exit of each flowing curve setting up the entry to the next in perpetual synchronization? Is it the lean angles we experience as we toss human and machine side to side through each undulation? We know, of course, that it is all of these and more. It’s why we go out of our way to find these roads, to build race courses that emulate them and to develop video games that simulate them. The stretche that lead to Valaparai in the Analamai Tiger Reserve is one such mecca.

When you enter the Tiger Reserve from the north and pass through its gates, the existence of man subsides except for the signs indicating ‘Hairpin Bend X of 40’. For those inquiring minds, a tiger mauling is fairly unlikely. There are only 30 or so living in this 1,500 square kilometer sanctuary and they are free to roam far from any trace of humans. You may however encounter wild elephants traversing your path (warning signs abound) and you will encounter hundreds of marauding long tail macaques. These little monkey bastards will steal anything given the chance so be sure to secure everything should you happen to take respite anywhere in their realm.

Through the portal and onward into the park, the gradual 1,500 meter elevation climb begins with Hairpin Bend 1 of 40. Taking time to absorb the sheer mountain face extending skyward, I’m awestruck by the engineering prowess of the people who built it. The hairpins are true switchbacks: each one completely reverses your course and brings you no more than 20 meters higher than the last. On a small engine, low torque bike the Himalayan, this means first gear for each one of them and many, many gear changes on the stretches between. Like pressing your face against the window in a jetliner, the details of the valley floor become microscopic as you climb. Ears pop, the temperature plummets, the flora shifts from valley scrub to tropical density to deciduous forest.

Around halfway up, the jungle yields to tea plantations. These estates, seemingly infinite as they roll over the horizon, are gold for photographers. As meticulously manicured as the gardens of Versailles, they illuminate the most luxurious green our eyes can render. The small pathways through them create a patchwork like the spots of a leopard and create definition that brings out each undulation of the landscape. The only breaks in the pattern are the brightly colored clothing of the pickers, women mostly, as they toil in the foliage plucking each leaf individually and load them into the sacks on their backs.  At about this point, the Waterfall Tea Planation maintains an ornately decorated tea stall on the side of the road offering a dozen overly sugared varieties to shock my system from the twisty trance that has held my mind hostage for the last 90 minutes.

From turn 20 onward, the road is less a cliffside-etched ribbon and more an oscillation between jungle and tea planation. Entering into the mist-osphere, the cloud covers obfuscates and the pangs for arrival and a glass of wine emerge. My end destination for the day, Sina Dorai’s Bungalow, is nested on a hilltop and is reached after negotiating 4 km of agricultural tracks upon departing the main road. Each meter winds though the plantation revealing up close the beauty of the place. The bungalow reached, I am pleasantly enlightened by the fact that this is not a bungalow in the American sense, but rather a 100-year-old estate manor, beautifully maintained with period details and views in every direction.

At dinner, the whole staff of the restaurant catering to this party of one, I surreptitiously extract the cheap bottle of Indian wine from my bag, pour a glass, take a sip along with a mild gag and savor the sublime spot that the 40 hairpin bends have transported me to. Tomorrow I get to do it all again on another of Kerala’s serpentine miracles. And again and again and again.

If you’re interested in trying out Kerala for yourself, join us! Kerala Expeditions

The ride home from office to hotel was a route I had taken before. It has never been a pleasant commute. But for some reason this evening, draped with a dusky, corrosion-hued toxic sky, the scene was reminiscent of Bosch’s morbid The Last Judgment as the panorama of suffering slid past my car’s window.

Clustered around the 150 foot high, 1,000 foot wide garbage mountain at Ghazipur with 1,000’s of vultures circling above like a halo of death lives a society of despair; a civilization of ten thousand living things enduring hell on Earth. Villages of sticks and tarps encamped in a mile-long drainage ditch, children playing, men urinating, women crying. Rotting, randomly layered carcasses of discarded vehicles like one would see at the bottom of the sea encrusted with mollusks and coral as an artificial reef, instead are rendered monochromatic by a thick layer of poison dust. Herds of cattle graze in fields of garbage and drink from murky septic puddles. Emaciated packs of dogs forage for any scrap.

I read every day that India is rising. I am not fooled. India will remain the parent who caresses you with one arm while beating you with the other until those with the will, the knowledge, and the money – the men in the billion dollar skyscraper homes – take action.